It smells.......

like fall outside! Its a bit on the cool side this morning. I dont like that its the beginning of August and feels like September!! Im not ready to move out of summer just yet (I may regret those words when we are melting in a heat wave next week). Its making me feel a little anxious about the start of school and a bit rushed to cram in all the plans I had for the kids this summer!

I'm anxious because Makenna is off to school full days this year. I'm very glad I held her back because I really get a sense she is ready....but am I? Since the day she was born, my girl....my pal in pink kinship....my shopping buddy....the source of so many emotional moments in my life is leaving my side! I know I've talked about the challenges she's given me and I know its her girl makeup and not so much anything she controls....but I think because she's been more of a challenge, I've kept her closer and tighter than the rest. I already feel the ache of watching her climb onto the bus and knowing she will be out of my reach for several hours of the day....all the time praying she's being a good girl and not missing me too much. As much as I frustrate her with my rules and discipline, I know she only wants to please me and Im sure her heart will ache as much for me as mine will for her. I know she will miss her sister too! This cool morning puts these emotions right in my lap and I guess its a good thing to get my thoughts in order now before it all happens for real in a month.

I think keeping the kids home all summer (no summer camp activities) might make it harder for me when fall comes.....as much as they make me crazy when they are not getting along, I know they are building relationships with each other and I love to watch them change and grow with each other.

I've made the decision to keep Marleigh home from school this year so I'll have her companionship....she's a love bug so that will ease my pain.....but tune in three years from now when she's leaving me with an empty house for the day and see how I'm doing then. I'm very attached to my mom role and my kids....funny....I remember a day when I didn't think I'd have any children!!! I talk to people whose kids are leaving for college and they tell me to "watch out" for how fast it goes by and it makes me wonder if I'm doing enough (blogging, journaling, and scrapbooking) to preserve it all. Maybe I'm a bit neurotic about not missing a thing in their little lives...especially now that I have the ability to capture it forever! Do I do all this for them.....or am I doing it for me...for when I am an empty nester? I'd like to think when I am older I will not dwell.....I will find things to fill my voids and things that help me continue to grow as a person. That's all stuff that only time will tell......for now I will continue to do what makes me happy today.....that means more photos of my children doing what they do best....just being kids!

Enjoy it!!!!

~kel~